rayjessel.com

Considering the swappage scheme and its forefather, the scrappage scheme, I have been pondering the idea of future potential schemes car dealers could devise as incentives to buy a brand new car. What other schemes might the government or the car industry have lined up for us in the coming months or years? I have some theories!

            Cast your mind back to the 1980s, if you can. To Saturday morning children’s television. To pre-Deal or No Deal Noel Edmunds and some hideously rainbow coloured knitwear. For that’s where I’m taken to when I hear the term ‘swappage scheme’. And like Noel’s Multi-Coloured Swap Shop, the swappage scheme that I imagine is one that involves much more than trading in your old (let’s say, retro) car for £2,000 off a new vehicle. Yes, indeed.

            In my alternative swappage scheme, a conversation with Noel’s car dealership goes something like this:

            “And on line one, it’s Alan aged 9, from Sheffield. What are you after today, Alan?”

            “I’d like a brand new Xbox, a mountain bike, some Adidas Predators and if possible a collection of Amazing Spider-Man issues one to two hundred, in mint condition.”

            “Well, Alan, we’ll see what our other customers have available. And what have you got to swap for all of this?”

            “My dad’s 02 Reg Volkswagen Golf 1.4 5dr… a little rust but otherwise good condition. He says that it goes like the clappers! Er… what exactly are the clappers, Noel?”

            Other hair-brained schemes that dealers could use include the swottage scheme (whereby revising gets you great discounts), the strippage scheme (for every item of clothing removed you’ll get one-hundred pounds cashback!) and my current personal favourite, the spellage scheme (where customers are encouraged to save money by correctly spelling the names of current cars and manufacturers).

            And if you think that’s easy, try spelling “Q-A-S-H-Q-A-I… Qashqai” the next time you visit one of your local car dealers. Now, I’m just crossing my fingers and hoping someone is just crazy (or desperate) enough to run one of these schemes!